The Letter
by Fipsi19
Summary: A letter written to explain some life choices


**So this is kind of A/U because I changed some things like Lupin and Tonks didn´t die during the war but after due to deatheaters and had their child after the war at the same time as Ron and Hermione had theirs. Teddy grows up with Harry and Draco. I am sorry if some things should still be a little hard to understand but english is not my first language and I tried my best. I just wanted to write it and I hope you like it. It is a letter explaining the life of an OC I created. It takes place years after the defeat of Voldemort.**

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Dear Theodore R. Lupin,

I know I have no right whatever to write to you but I need to do this and try to make amends to you.

I never got a chance to explain myself partly because you would have been too stubborn to listen to me after all I said but mostly because I was afraid of what might happen if I told you. Do you remember the first time we met? I guess you still think it was in Hogwarts in our third year in the library one sunny day in november. Both of us standing in front of the same book. How cliché! You must know I planned this accidentally meeting for weeks beforehand. I had to meet you and get you interested in me but I will explain why later on.

I don´t know another way to start telling you why I did all these things than by starting with my childhood.  
As you know I was born in the same year as you were but not in Great Britain but in France. My parents were barely grown ups and madly in love. Everything seemed to be like one of these muggle fairytales. My mother was happily married to the man she loved more than life itself and now she had a daughter who made her family whole. My father was over the moon too seeing that his newborn daughter looked so much as her mother. It was the perfect life for all of us. I had lovingly parents who spoiled me rotten. Everything I could think of was presented to me. Both families were more than well off so money was no problem what so ever.

And because of your Godfather life itself was more than peaceful. I loved being in France and was looking forward on going to Beauxbetons.

Everything changed after my parents found out that my mother was pregnant again. At first they were so happy and I was too. I couldn´t believe that I would soon have a little sister or brother to watch over and play with. I didn´t know that my parents tried for years to get pregnant again and that finally after five years they did it. But our fragile happiness shattered like glass a few months later. A healer told my parents that my mother had a very fast growing type of cancer, a muggle disease. She went to some healers in the muggleworld who all told her the same namely that she had to get rid of the baby to survive. My mother couldn´t believe it. She was torn apart by the situation. My father begged her to say yes to it saying that they had me and they could adopt other children. That he couldn´t live without her. He pleaded her to think of herself and of me. But she couldn´t do it. She loved the child already too much to do it. I think she still thought that a miracle would help her or that those muggle healers were wrong. After the birth of my sister she lived for 2 more months. Those were the last days of my childhood. As happy as it has been until this moment twice as terrible it got after them.

My father was a changed man. He hated me for looking so much like her and my sister for being her reason to die. He never hold her after my mothers death. Never looked at me the same as before. The houseelves watched over us most of the time. Shortly after the funeral we moved to Great Britain wanting to get away from all the memories we had in France.

At the beginning it was lonely. Nobody knew or cared about us. My relatives were in France thinking that this change of places would be the best for my father. They saw how he was after the funeral and hoped for the best. They thought that he would stop ignoring us and drowning his sorrow in alcohol. But as soon as we were out of their reach worse times began. He started venting his anger on me when he was drunk. He hit me until he was satisfied or bloody enough or whatever. The houseelves tried their best to help me but couldn´t do much about it. After the beatings he always came to my room sitting in front of me a little sobered up crying and begging for my forgiveness. I always woke up to him sitting their and doing the only thing I could think of I hugged him telling him he was forgiven. That everything was alright. We stayed in this embrace until he would calm down and leave. He didn´t hit me everyday but often enough. I don´t want to excuse his behavior but I think that he was overwhelmed by the whole situation and the alcohol did the rest. I don´t think my mother would have thought that her death would change him so much.

But she didn´t realise that she took his heart and soul with her leaving just a shell of a man behind to care for their children. Sometimes when I hugged him I wished that she would have just killed my baby sister so that I could have my parents back. I cursed that her selfishness and her believing in him handling the widower situation better.

Until the third birthday of my sister he never even looked at her. I don´t know why but on the day of her birthday he just suddenly stormed into her room and yelled at her. She was so scared not knowing why this man she never saw before yelled at her. I was trying to shield her against his anger and trying to calm her down at the same time. After he left the room I knew I had to get her out of this lonely mansion. I just knew that she deserved a better childhood than me. Afterall my mother gave her life for her and this life had to be protected no matter what even if it meant that my life would be changed again.

I knew that there were orphanages for the children who lost their parents in the war or because of deatheaters. I pressured one of our houseelves into bringing me to one. It was just a lucky turn of events that the one I walked in was the one your Godfather was visiting at that day.

It was a day after the birthday incident and it was a clear day in september. One of the last were you could play outside without being caught by rain or strong wind. As I went up to the entrance of the building I saw some children not that much older than me playing near a swing. The only grownup person there was a young blonde man. He was watching you and the other kids playing. I walked up to him thinking that he was working there. When he turned to me he had one of the brightest smiles I have ever seen. I am sure you ask yourself how he didn´t recognize me than after all I have met him several times while we were dating. The answer is easy elfmagic. They changed my appearances so that nobody ever would know what I did especially my father.

So imagine me an eight year old girl holding a sleeping three year old in front of an orphanage. He got up and walked into my direction. He looked me in my eyes and wanted to say something but I just shoved my sister into his arms. He stumbled a bit taken aback by my sudden movement and the child suddenly in his arms. Before he could even try to say something I began to tell him that my sister needed a place to stay. I didn´t tell him anything specific just that my mother couldn´t look after her anymore. He asked whether I wanted to stay too but I declined knowing full well that the houseelves would get in trouble if we both went missing and that my father would look for me.

Your cousin was not convinced that I just could leave the child with him being afraid that someone would come to look for it. I tried my best to convince him but a child bringing a child to put for adoption is not very convinceable. I knew I couldn´t stay any longer so I quickly kissed my sister goodbye and bid my farewells to him knowing that I probably would never see her again. But faith seemed to have different plans for us. Slowly I turned around to walk away to never look back when I heard him asking for her name. Without turning around I told him that her name was Lyra Vega. I called her after my favorite folklore, the tale about Orihime and her lover.

Back at our manor all hell broke loose. My father in a fit of rage had beaten several houseelves unconscious. When he realised I was back he let go of the elves. He just stared at me and demanded to know where my sister was. For the first time in my life I stood up to him by telling him that I brought her to safety. Looking into his eyes I saw a mix of emotions. Pride and Relief but also Anger and pure Hate. I think he was relieved that she was safe from him. Somewhere deep down he must have known what he did to me and I am sure he didn´t want the same for her. But the anger was stronger. He tried to force me to tell him where she was. One of the houseelves the one who was like a mother to us protected me against the worst of it and because she was the one who knew what happened and changed my appearances she was also the one who charmed the child untraceable. That night she died saving me and keeping my sister safe. I don´t know why he never just called the aurors claiming the child was kidnapped. It would have been the easiest way to get her back.

After the death of his houseelf he seemed to come back to his senses if only enough to create his worst punishment yet. He made some kind of old unbreakable contract with me. For the life of my sister my life was his. I had to do everything he told me until one of us died. He was my puppet master. Until this day I have only once cursed the day I made this contract. I did the same sacrifice my mother did for her to life.

My father organised a fake funeral for her telling everybody that she died of some rare disease burying her empty coffin near my mothers grave. Nobody questioned it. Everybody was pitying him now that he not only lost his wife but also his youngest child.

From then on until I was old enough for Hogwarts he showed me around like a priced puppy dragging me from one party to another hoping to get the best marriage proposal possible for me. It didn´t matter that some of the men were more than ten or fifteen years older than me. My fiancée changed every week. Thank Merlin it was frown upon marrying children off so he had to wait until I was at least seventeen.

By the time I went to Hogwarts every family who had some kind of influence in politics or finance was enchanted by him and his perfect little daughter. But then one day in Diagon Alley he saw your godfather and your cousin with a little girl who had the same eyes as his beloved wife had. I didn´t know that they would adopt her. I thought that she would come to another family maybe even somewhere out of Britain. That day he vowed revenge on your family for taking her. I reminded him of the contract forbidding him to do anything to harm her like telling her who he or me was for instance.

Some days later I was off to school leaving him behind planning his revenge. I was soo thrilled about being away for the whole school year hoping he wouldn´t insist on me coming back for christmas. He never did though all six years of school he never once wanted me to be home for christmas break. After the first year he treated me differently. I looked even more like my mother so that the beatings stopped fearing to hit someone who looked so much like the love of his life. Instead of the beatings he ignored me most of the time only talking to me when he showed me off at one of his parties. As expected of me I was a good student having friends but not that close that they would want to spend their summer with me. I knew that I was called ice beauty in school allowing myself never to show more emotion than a fake smile. I was polite and friendly to everyone not matter of social or blood status being well respected in my own house but also the other houses. Most students and teachers thought that I had no close friends because I was in Ravenclave being too lost in my studies to notice anything else.

School itself was rather uneventful for me. Most of the time I was studying being in the library until late at night. The only company I had there was coincidently one of your best friends Rose although I never spoke to her before the third year. We were friendly rivals in studying both trying to top in every subject but for complete different reasons but without ever talking to each other.

In third year my father started his revenge. He surprised me when he came to the parents day in school. The years before he always had an excuse to come and me being a good student the teachers didn´t mind. But that year he came. He talked to all the teachers and some friends of him whose children where still in school. Most of them hoped that he would finally accept on of their proposal for my hand in marriage after all I wasn´t engaged to anyone for two years.

Shortly before he left the school he told me about my new task. I had to befriend you and make you fall in love with me doing everything necessary for it. I was shocked that he wanted me practically to sell myself for his cause. I didn´t think he would ever do something like that to me. At that moment I realised that the father I once knew was gone and would never be the same no matter what I would do. One would think I realised that much earlier after the beatings and ignoring but with 13 and him practically saying I was worth nothing by suggesting to do everything needed I lost all hope I still had in him. I understood that I was nothing more than a pawn in his twisted game.

Bound by the contract I made a plan to befriend you. I knew you were friends with Rose Weasley and made more efforts to befriend her hoping that she would help me get to you.

Our friendship soon became stronger when we realised how much we had in common and I began to hint to her that I wanted to meet you. She was cautious at first by my seemingly sudden interest in you but thought nothing bad about it. After all we were young girls and she assumed I had a crush on you. You were one of the more popular students of the school with your parents being war heroes, your cousin one of the wealthiest wizards in Great Britain and you Godfather being Harry Potter. Every boy wanted to be your best friend and every girl your lover. And being a metamorphogus was just as intriguing. She helped me planning our first meeting.

I knew she told you a lot about me already to get you interested in me even before the meeting.

The day we finally met personally I was a nervous wreck. I was so scared of you being a mean self centered git. I didn´t know you at all. I just heard rumors but never talked to you before. Rose tried to calm me down slightly irritated why I was behaving so but thought I was just nervous to meet my crush. When I saw you entering the library with some of your friends all I wanted was to flee. Thinking of my sister I walked up to you knowing from Rose which book you are looking for so that I could grab the same one. You were a little startled when our hands touched and blushed a little when our eyes met. As I was about to say something your best friend bumped into me crashing me against your chest. Being out of control of the situation and very uncomfortable at being so close to you I was speechless. You were more in control and made your friend apologize to me. Rose who saw how our plan was destroyed by her cousin hurried up to me. Listening to her while she started to lecture him and you trying to convince her that no harm was done I couldn´t help myself to let out a small chuckle at this friendly bantering. The three of you shocked about my slip up just stared at me. And I used the opportunity of your attention to get back to my plan. I asked for the book suggesting to use it together. While trying to study I tried to get more informations out of you. I knew your parents died shortly after the war due to an ambush of deatheaters but I didn´t know that you were living with your Godfather and cousin and due to that with my sister. I was stunned. Finally I could gather informations about her without alarming my father. Lucky for me she was one of your favorite topics. I saw how much you cared for her by the sparkling in your eyes when someone mentioned her. I was so grateful for it listening to you talking about her childhood. Before I knew it it was christmas again. Rose invited me to spend the holiday with her and her family hinting that you and your family would come to visit all the time. Knowing that my father would be happy about my fast success in befriending you I accepted.

I was very excited about spending my christmas with friends and family and seeing my sister was the best present I could get. But I was also very worried about what my father may say if he knew that she would be there. Or if someone could see any resemblance between us. Meeting your aunt and uncle was surprisingly eventful. Rose didn´t tell me that your aunt was against houseelves. Before her I never met anyone who didn´t have houseelves. They were quite common in France and in the social background I was used do because of my father. So you could imagine my shock when I arrived at their house where not even one houseelf was present. My own houseelf was waiting already at the house when we arrived. Your aunt thought at first that it was a houseelf who ran away from a bad master. I tried to explain that it was mine only to be lectured why it is unjust to have them. To be honest I was terrified back then. I was so afraid that she may contact my father about the whole thing sending me to him to await my punishment. Somewhere along her lecture she must have realised what this did to me and stopped talking. I just stood there terrified clinging to my beloved houseelf which was a present from my grandparents after the supposed natural death of my nanny elf. I loved this houseelf and I knew it loved me. It knew what happened to me in my childhood and was my only friend to confide in. My houseelf sensed my distress and told her that it was in fact a free houseelf and stayed by my side willingly. Your aunt was more than baffled. She quickly dismissed me letting Rose show me my room for the stay. Thankfully I didn´t have to share with anyone letting me have some kind of privacy. At that moment I wished for nothing more than a train ride back to Hogwarts. After putting my things away I went down to the dining room only to overhear your aunt and uncle talking about her free elves campaign is going too far by her attacking a little girl. Since then I always like your uncle best even though he was the one who banned me from his house. The next few days were uneventful as everyone was anxious for christmas. I couldn´t wait until you and your family would come to visit so I can finally see my sister. The day after christmas you came. I was nervous and worried sick. Rose thought all of that was because of your visit.

By the time you entered the house I wanted to pull her close to me and never ever let her go again. Just to take her away with me somewhere nobody could ever find us. For a minute I allowed myself to dream this fantasy knowing full well that she didn´t even know who I was.

You introduced me to your family who thought we were more than just friend and couldn´t stop making comments about it. You were so easily to embarrass. I kept my distance from your cousin and your Godfather and their child. I didn´t want anybody to notice some resemblance by us being near each other. After some more presents were exchanged I excused myself to have some time on my own. I went out into the garden sitting down near a big tree. I didn´t notice that my or better said your sister followed me. I was deep in thoughts when suddenly the little eight year old girl began to talk about you. How you were such a good big brother and how brave and that you would always play with her. I really looked at her for the first time this day and looked for some kind of resemblance. I saw the eyes of my mother but the rest was mostly my father and my grandmother on my mothers side. She had the same nose as his and his ears but her blonde hair and the rest of her face were clearly my grandmothers. I looked nothing like her. I had my mothers light brown hair and her facial structures. Only my eyes were deep dark blue like my grandfathers on my fathers side. I was so happy nobody would even suspect us being siblings. She talked and talked and I barely listened. I just watched her. Her eyes reminded me so much of my mothers. It was hard to look at them and knowing she would never know who gave her those eyes. I interrupted her quite suddenly to ask her about her name and its meaning. She knew Lyra was a constellation and Vega its brightest star. So I told her the story of Orihime and her mortal lover Kengyu. How they were separated and could only meet once a year for one night. At first she didn´t like the story being sad about its bad ending leaving the two lovers separated forever. I tried to explain to her that I love this story because it shows that love can never be separated and always finds a way to be reunited even if it is just for one night a year. She still didn´t like the story though and began to tell about some muggle movie she saw with some star falling and a man trying to catch it and bring it back to his supposed beloved only to fall in love with the star himself. When she finished a deep voice startled both of us. Your cousin suddenly emerged from the darkness and and told her that they had to leave. Lyra got up and said her goodbyes to me and ran to the house. Your Cousin, Draco, helped me up and walked with me to the house. Shortly before we entered it he told me that he liked my story better than the muggle movie because love can never be without pain. I still don´t know if he knew than who I was or if I just imagined his knowing glance. After the incident happened he never approached me or tried to talk to me. Like the rest of your family he simply ignored me and sent me death glares whenever we met at some kind of fancy party. He never showed me some kind of understanding or anything in this way after what I did. Maybe I was wrong and he will be as shocked as you and the rest of your family after you tell them because I am pretty sure you will tell them. You never could keep any secrets from them. Sometimes that frightened me knowing that you couldn´t accept some kind of privacy and wouldn´t understand that I couldn´t tell you everything. You always wanted to know what I was thinking all the time it was kind of suffocating and we had enough fights about it. Every time I didn´t tell you something I felt like part of me was screaming inside me to tell you but I couldn´t. It destroyed me knowing how sad and disappointed you were by my lack of faith in you. But you have to understand it wasn´t because I didn´t love you but because I couldn´t let myself become too attached to you to let myself become so vulnerable in front of you. I loved you more than anybody before and because I loved you so much I could understand my parents and the decisions they made.

After the holiday school was more fun and full of meetings and dinners together as a tied group of friends. Before I could even comprehend it school was over already and we left for our summer holiday. We promised each other to write and meet and call each other. Our goodbyes were cut short by my father who decided to pick me up from the train station. I hoped that he wouldn´t want to talk to any of your family members fearing his words and that day lady luck was with me as he simply nodded as a greeting to them and hurried me out of the station. That night I was at another boring ministry event and listened to the adults making marriage plans for me. That night I realised that I had fallen for you and that I would never get a happy ending nor even a once a year kind of. My faith was sealed by someone who wouldn´t even think about my happiness.

I tried to meet with all of you during the summer but my father wouldn´t allow it. I was grateful that he allowed me to write at least. Before I left for school again he reminded me of my task urging me to move faster doing it with all means possible.

Back at Hogwarts we spent more time with each other. I watched you playing in the matches cheering for you. Rose always left us alone when we were studying in the library dragging her cousins and your friends with her. I think you noticed pretty soon what everybody was trying to tell you. I already fell for you and simply waited for a sign from you that you felt the same. Rose urged me to say something first saying you were only to dense to notice that you like me. I refused which led to her calling me stubborn and warning me that some other girl would snatch you away if I

didn´t do anything and just wait. How right she was! By the weekend of the first visit to Hogsmeat you already asked some other girl to go with you. I was heartbroken. Rose comforted me saying that you were just some stupid dense boy not worth my feelings. Even your aunt and uncle wrote me a letter telling me how dumb you are to let a girl like me get away.

By the time the next visit to Hogsmeat was able I had a date myself. I saw how jealous you were. It is funny how both of us were with other people but wanted only each other.

Time flew and soon it was time for our christmas holiday. Like the year before I went to stay with Rose´s family. And like the year before I left the house to get some privacy but this time you followed me instead of your sister. We sat side by side and you told me how obsessed you sister became with star constellations and japanese folklore and how your parents as you called your cousin and godfather blamed me for it. Feeling as happy as a long time ago I laughed out loud at that. You were so amazed by it. The only word you said was „_beautiful_" and then you finally kissed me. It was an innocent gentle kiss. I could have stayed with you and kissed you for all eternity but your little sister interrupted us. She was excited about it and ran straight back to the house to tell everybody what she had seen. You got up and tried to catch her before she could tell on you. I too got up and walked slowly up to the house not knowing what to expect inside. I walked inside and saw how everyone bombarded you with questions. You were bright red and stuttered trying to avoid any answers. They all stopped talking when they saw me. Lyra Vega was of course the one who broke the silence. She asked us if we were together now. I looked at you trying to tell you telepaticaly that it is your decision and you said yes. Everybody began talking again congratulating us and strangely enough collecting money from bets they had on us.

Back at school we spent all our free time together as if we were trying to catch up with the time we spent apart not being sure about each others feelings. Soon school was nearing its end again and you started making plans for the summer. I tried my best to sound excited about them fearing that my father wouldn´t let me meet you over the summer. You felt my hesitation and got angry when I wouldn´t tell you why. You didn´t talk to me for a whole week. I was sure that this was your way to break up with me and was upset about it but more than that I feared my father and his punishment because of my failure. I tried talking to you but you only walked away every time I tried. After a whole week you simple walked up to me told me that you are a stupid stubborn git and that you can understand if I never want to talk to you. You were overly dramatic you must get this from your cousin. Me on the other hand simply kissed you and told you that my father may not be pleased about me visiting you and I didn´t know how to tell you this before. You promised me that you would always find a way to be with me. At this moment you promised me an always. You promised me a whole future for us being together having a family together and being happy without fear or angst. You promised me an eternity with you more than a night a year. I was happy letting myself begin to hope that there might be a way for us to be together. A possibility for a happily ever after.

Back home I wrote you everyday telling you what I was doing. My father was thrilled at his plan starting to unfold. But he wouldn´t allow me to meet you. So we made a plan on our own. I wrote you where I would be which parties I would attend and you being already fifteen you convinced your parents to go to all of them with you. I can still see how unhappy they looked at each one. Only sometimes when they thought we wouldn´t notice while we were together I could see them smile at us. They were happy that you were happy. My father was fuming inside hating them for being everywhere where he was. Things got worse at home. His anger lashed out at me again. It got so worse that I couldn´t attend any formal parties with him and got locked inside our manor. You knew that something wasn´t alright with me but I couldn´t tell you. I simple told you that he sent me to my relatives to France for the last month of our holiday.

I couldn´t wait for september to come to see you again. Our fifth year was over in no time. I spent christmas with Rose like the years before. We spent every free moment with each other until school ended again for the summer. We both feared the summer knowing that we won´t be able to spent time together.

When I arrived at the mansion my father told me some shocking news. He told me that he accepted a marriage proposal from some french family and that I was to be married the day after my graduation. To get to know my fiancée I would spent my seventh year in France with him going to the same school as him. I was speechless. After a minute or so I muttered something Hogwarts and you and his plan. He looked with blank expression at me like he didn´t know what I was talking about. Then he began laughing telling me that I should forget the plan and he didn´t care what I would do to you as long as I got rid of you before I would go to France and marry the bloke like I was supposed to do. I was shocked because he just forgot about his plan leaving me to make the best out of it. I also felt relief knowing I could delay the break up until the end of the sixth year and you wouldn´t have to see me ever again after it.

During the summer I was able to meet you. It seemed the moment I was promised to marry someone I wasn´t needed at any formal parties anymore. I thought that because of that you would hear about my future in France but I forgot how your family hated the spotlight and all its gossip.

Sixth year also was the first year for Lyra in Hogwarts. I was curious about how it would be with her in the same school as me even if it was just for one year. I couldn´t believe when she got in the same house as me instead into your house. It was perfect and I was overjoyed to spent more time with her. I tried to help her with her studying when she needed help and talked to her all night when she couldn´t sleep. Shortly before the christmas break she told me that the sorting hat told her that her sibling by blood was in the same house as her and that she wanted to find it. She wanted my help with it. I told her that the search would be quite meaningless if she didn´t even know which gender her supposed sibling was or its age. She agreed with me only to say that they must at least look somewhat alike. That there had to be some kind of resemblance. Never before was I happier about not having any resemblance with her. I still can´t think about how she would have reacted to the news. I still don´t know how I would have told her to have made her understand that it was for her best. That every waking moment I was just thinking of her and her happiness. That every time I looked into her eyes it broke my heart apart seeing my mothers eyes. Sometimes I wonder if I had told you about it if you could have helped me find a way out of this situation.

Shortly before our christmas break she told me that she knew that she has a sister. That she sometimes dreamed of a sister holding her singing to her when she was a toddler. I smiled at my memory of it and told her that I wish for her to find her.

At the annual christmas party at Rose´s house I overheard your parents and relatives talking to each other about me. I overheard them talking about my supposed engagement and my change of schools in september. I could hear how Draco and your uncle tried to convince them that I wouldn´t date you if the rumors where true. How nowadays not even purebloods would cling to that tradition. That even those cold purebloods would let their children marry for love. Your aunt simple stated that they did not even know my father well enough to say he wouldn´t do it and how he was against us meeting in the summer. Your Godfather stayed silent. They started arguing some more until he finally said something. He simply said that no matter what nothing of this conversation could ever leave this room. That they simply had to wait what will happen and that they could do nothing against it anyways.

I left the house quickly going straight to the big tree in the garden and just broke down crying. This time nobody seemed to notice me and I was left on my own in the darkness.

At Hogwarts I desperately tried to forget this night and hoped for some kind of miracle. By beginning of our last month at school I began distancing myself from you trying to make it easier for you to break up with me. I hoped you would do the dirty work. But somehow you thought that I was simply stressed because of the exams and my work as head girl. You would never had thought I deliberately forgot our meetings. A week before the end of school you found me one late night at the astronomy tower staring at the stars. You tried to talk about why I was avoiding you but I interrupted you by telling you about my childhood in France and my sister. How much I loved her and how hard it was on my father to be on his own with two little kids but leaving out all the bad stuff like the beatings and the heavy drinking and the yelling. I told you about how my sister died when I was 8 years old. I didn´t notice that I cried until you pulled me into a strong hug and tried to calm me down. After a while I composed myself only to be brave enough to break your heart. I looked you straight in the eyes and hoped begged any god anywhere to stop me from what I was about to do. I took a deep breath and knew when I looked into your eyes that you knew what I was about to do. Your eyes begged me not to do it and that you would not simply walk away from me.  
I knew than that no matter what I had to make you angry and make you hate me. So I told you about how worthless you are and that I was just confused and that my father was right about you. But you didn´t even flinch. I started to insult your family and your friends. In the end I knew that the only thing I could say to make you leave was about you birth parents. I told you that I didn´t want my children to be some kind of freaks like you half werwolf and that even your so called parents were freaks also. That did the trick you looked at me like I was worthless and left without saying one word. After you were gone I broke down. Crying and screaming cursing for the first time since the contract my sister for being born and putting me through all of this. I cursed myself for being to weak to stand up to my father or at least to ask for help. I cursed everybody who had a seemingly better life than me. I wished for my father to die and relieve me of this stupid contract so I could make my own decisions and tell my sister who I am. I cried until I could cry no more. I looked outside and saw the sun rise. I slowly got up and left the tower.

By the time I entered the Great Hall the whole school knew about our break up. Everybody whispered about it. Not once did I look into your direction I kept my head down hoping for a quick last week at school.

Rose and some of your friends tried to talk to me. They questioned me about why I did it. I didn´t answer one of their countless questions. They got furious about me simply remaining silent. Later that day the rumors started about me leaving the country to marry some french bloke. Because of the breakfast fiasco I stayed in my room for all the remaining meals only leaving my room for classes. Therefore I was able to avoid Rose and your sister at most of the time. Only once you caught up with me to ask me if all these rumors were true. I couldn´t even look you in the eyes at first hoping you would just go away if I stayed silent but you didn´t. You simple said that I owe you at least an explanation. I can still remember how haunted you looked to me. Your whole body showed your grief even though you were a metamorphogus it seemed you couldn´t controll this feature of yours enough when you were devastated. I didn´t know what you expected from me I still don´t know it. Wasn´t it clear to you that the rumors were most likely true? Did you have to know it from me to verify it? My positive answer resulted into another argument where you yelled at me that I didn´t even know the guy. How I was able to marry some guy I didn´t even know much less love. How I could imagine spending the rest of my life with some stranger when I could spent it with you. That you loved me and needed me. I knew the next sentence you would say would be a cliché but that didn´t mean that it was not true to some kind of extent. You told me that you didn´t know how to live without me. At this moment something broke inside me. I started yelling at you about how you could never in your whole life understand what it means to love somebody so much that you would spent your entire life protecting him/her. To do everything possible to ensure his/her even die for love. Trying to calm myself down and realising that we were in fact standing in the middle of a hallway filled with students I distanced myself from you. I looked at the students surrounding us watching us like we were some kind of entertainment for them and saw your sister. She looked at me with pure hatred in her eyes. Funny how the one person I tried to protect hated me more than anyone else in my life. I realised then that I never had any friends on my own never had anyone beside your family to confide in who would stay by my side and I ran. I wrote to my father that he had to do something anything that I wouldn´t have to suffer the stares at the train station. I begged him to let me come home early to make any excuse for me. Of course he didn´t. He didn´t even answere to any of my pleadings. Nothing just silence. I feared the train ride back to London and seeing your family again and their disappointment and hatred for me.

Not surprisingly my father did not show up at the train station leaving me on my own finding a way back to the mansion. Arriving at the mansion I saw that he emptied it leaving nothing behind but a letter saying he went ahead to France trying to fix my mistakes and saving the engagement and I should not dare to come to France before september. He didn´t want to see me after what I did in school how I disgraced him with my public break up. He sold the mansion telling me to be sure to leave so that the new owners wouldn´t see me loitering around. I had three days to leave until the new owners arrived. I couldn´t believe it. I had no idea where to go. I had no friends in London anymore and my relatives didn´t care for me or were dead.

Thinking back now the next step I made was one of my dumber ones. I went to Rose´s house trying to get some kind of help there. But I seemed to have forgotten at that moment ho much everybody loved you. Her father, your uncle, just stormed out the moment he saw me ordering me to leave and never to come back. Maybe I had to confirm that I was really on my own. That nobody cared for me anyways. In a way my father made sure that I knew my place. I simply had nowhere else to go to but him.

That night I left Britain and travelled for the summer. I was everywhere I ever wanted to go after all I had lots of money from the vaults my mother and grandparents left me. I went everywhere but Britain and France. I went to Japan to see the celebrations of Orihime and her lover. It was amazing. That year it didn´t rain and they were able to meet.

As promised I arrived at the beginning of september in France meeting my fiancée and his parents. He made it clear from the beginning that he despised me for having to marry me. He had no intention of leaving his girlfriend for me and that I was only here to provide an heir for his father´s happiness. I would have to accompany him to formal parties and stuff like that but nothing more. The mansion we would be living in would me divided so we would never see each other if not necessary. He didn´t care if I would have affairs as long as it not happened in the public. I agreed with him happy to have this kind of freedom and privacy.

He didn´t talk to me in school. Most students ignored me only at the beginning his girlfriend tried to scare me away. After a nice talk where I was lying on the floor in a bathroom and she standing above me with her wand in her hand treating me she accepted that I had no intention on breaking them apart That I would love for her to marry him and that I was willing to divorce him as soon as possible.

Two days after graduation we got married. We had to spent the night together and made sure I got pregnant. I took some fertility potions and was more than happy to announce after ait that I was indeed pregnant. We planned to divorce as soon as the child was a year old so that nobody would be too suspicious. I was afraid that my father would be against it but lady luck was on my side once again. He died shortly before the birth of the child. He was in an accident. Because of my pregnancy I had the perfect excuse not to attend the funeral. Nobody seemed to care anyways.

My husbands girlfriend and me became somehow friends mostly because she would come cry on my shoulder after one of their fights. I was still the only one who knew about our little menage a trois. We talked for hours and I even became friends with my husband. He seemed to understand that I never wanted to be in this marriage either. They were the first and only ones who I told my story revealing everything to them. They were shocked and understanding urging me to write to you and tell you after the divorce. They were sure you would forgive me. They even went that far to plan double dates with us.

Shortly before the first birthday and our divorce both of them died because of an attack in some park in the muggleworld. The muggleworld was the only place were they could be together in the public without being recognized. Some madman placed a bomb in the park and killed dozen of people.

I was free to do what ever I wanted but at what price? I lost my two best friends, my family the only people who understood everything about me. Only around them I could be my true self without being afraid no to meet someones expectations. I don´t mean to hurt you by this but even with you I could never really relax completely and just be myself. You also had some expectations of me which I would never have been able to meet. Maybe if I had told you but I was always afraid of your opinion how you may change treating me differently maybe more fragile and I didn´t want that. I never wanted to be pitied about my life my decisions. They did understand that. Never once did they treat me differently after they heard my story. They respected my need for privacy that I didn´t always say what was on my mind that I could not always share every thought fear hope I had. But I think that I should have given you a chance to convince me differently. To convince me that you would have accepted me no matter what. That nothing I could ever do would stop you from loving me. That you would have kept your promise to always find a way to be with me.

After the deaths of my friends I was lost. I didn´t care for anything anymore. Life took everything that ever mattered to me from me. My mother, my father, my sister, you and now my best friends my only family. I was depressed. I was angry at the world for not letting me and them have their happily ever after. For killing them before they even had a chance for a family on their own. I fought for them so that they at least would be buried next to each other. I spent everyday at their graves crying over the unfairness of the world.

After three months I just couldn´t do it anymore. I got up and began living again. My whole life only revolved around my son. He was my sun my moon and my stars.

Two weeks ago, four months after the death of my best friends I was told that I will die due to the same cancer as my mother had. I don´t want to suffer like her. At the end she was so weak she couldn´t even get out of bed anymore and was under pain all the time. I don´t want my son to see me this way.

I know I don´t have any right to ask you this but I don´t know any other way. The only relative still alive is my sister. I don´t want him to be in an orphanage or foster home. I want a normal life for him. I want him to be safe and loved and be with family. I thought about writing to her but I

couldn´t. I don´t know what to say. I mean I lied to her all the time when she was looking for her sister in school. And I don´t think she ever will forgive me for what I did to you.

You will get invitations for the reading of my last will. I left my money, my properties and the money and properties from my mother and grandparents my sister Lyra Vega. My son has enough money on his father´s side. Believe me he has more money he could ever spend and nearly in every country a property. My vaults with my personal possessions I leave to you. In the vaults are all my memories which I think are important. There are good and bad ones. I don´t care what you do with most of them. I only want you to keep the happy ones with my small family consisting of myself, my husband and his girlfriend for my son. He should have them when he is older but for now I want you to look at them. I want you to look at all of the memories in the vault. I know this is selfish but once in my life I want to be selfish. I want somebody who is still alive to know why my life was this way. I don´t care if you show them to your whole family. And I know that there are some memories that you don´t want to share with someone else.

My son will be also present at the reading of my will. He may be only a little over a year but he is very bright and has seen so much grief already. I hope you will look after him and will tell my sister how much I loved her. I want her to know how much the year we spent together meant to me.

I know that my life could have been totally different if I just stayed with her in the orphanage. Maybe we could have married each other and had a family together. But one should never spent his whole life asking himself what if. If I could do it all again I wouldn´t change a thing. Yes there was a lot of pain and hardship but also so much love from you and my son and my friends. Love is pain and without pain I wouldn´t know that I am alive.

I loved you, I still love you and I will always love you. I will never ever stop loving you.

Yours forever and until the end of eternity

Cassiopeia Sans-Etoile

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I hope you liked this letter/story. Please R&R! I may write down some of the memories mentioned here if you would like to read them just pm me or write a review about it. This was my first Harry Potter ff and I will try to finish my Supernatural one...I know shame on me for not finishing it.


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